Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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