no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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