I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
