God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
