Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
