My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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