this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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