Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
