The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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