new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
