What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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