so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
