You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My cat gives me a boner
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
