I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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