I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
