This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize