youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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