Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
