the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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