i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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