Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
