I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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