If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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