that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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