Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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