she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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