how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dear god my vagina.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
