I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
