Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
