I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
