Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
