my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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