you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
