i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
