I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
