i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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