you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Bring me that man meat
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize