Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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