I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
