My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
