Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
