the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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