god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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