community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize