i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
