I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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