I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
