Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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