I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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