it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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