I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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