Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
