you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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