I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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