god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
