thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
