How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
