Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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